If I don’t make it home, just remember how rad I was.

I honestly don’t think anyone really understands how much I am dreading this backpacking trip this weekend.

I just went to University Falls yesterday and I thought I was done for. I was so tired and it was so hard to get my legs moving, I thought I was just going to collapse at any moment. And that was only a 3 mile trip with small, lightweight backpacks.

Now I am expected to hike at least 4 miles with a full backpacking pack. And if I do get sick, I’m stuck camping until Sunday when we have to hike back to the car and make a 2 1/2 hour drive back home.

I just don’t know if I’ll make it home.  

We are complete opposites but that is somehow okay. 

We have almost nothing in common. 

You spend hundreds of dollars on things that I would never spend more than twenty dollars on. 

I absolutely love camping and wish I could go every day but you have never gone and would like to keep it that way. 

I do nothing but watch movies, you do nothing but listen to music. 

I can’t think of anything else right now. But I like you and you like me too and that is all that matters. 

I love you.
Please stay.
I promise that you will be okay.

Sex Sex Sex

I’m not super set on not having sex until marriage but I want to wait as long as I can. Then, even after I lose my virginity, I want to wait as long as I can before having sex again. Unless I am married and ready for a child, I don’t want to be having a lot of sex. When I do, you can guarantee that we will be using a condom. 

Why all this waiting you ask?

Well, first off, I don’t want to get pregnant. But, I also don’t want to go on birth control. I don’t like the idea of messing with my body’s natural hormones or my natural period in general. 

When I really do want to have sex, I will. But only with the right person at the right time. 

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not against any of these things, I just don’t want them for myself. I take too many drugs as it is. I’d rather not add in more for something that isn’t going to help my daily well being. 

I had another dream about him

I was walking into school or the fair or something and he was sitting at the entrance on a fountain. Right when I walked in, he said hi to me and I just pretended not to hear hit. But he knew I could hear him so he got up and followed me asking if I was mad at him and if he did something wrong. I told him that I knew what he did to Shelly* and that it was not okay. I don’t remember what happened between that and me walking into a room but I walked immediately out of the room and told him that he basically had until the end of the week to apologize or we would be done. 

I like to think that this is how it would go in real life. But I wouldn’t tell him he could apologize and all would be well. I like to think I would tell him all of the reasons why he is the worst person I know. I like to think that after I said everything I had to say, he know that we could no longer be friends and would not ask for my forgiveness because he never even asked for hers. 

Boys boys boys

About a month ago, I stopped dating this guy I really liked because he was making rude comments about people and I just wasn’t having it. We will call him Randy. 

A week before I stopped dating him, I met this other guy at a party. We will call him Harry. 

And last semester I got really close, and starting talking to this other guy. We will call him Danny. 


It took Randy and I a few years until we finally admitted to liking each other and began dating. Years. 

It took Danny and I a bit over a semester before we admitted to liking each other but we never dated. 

It has only been a bit over a month and I already like Harry but he will not admit to anything. 

Randy and I met through my brother so I knew him for a few years before I ever actually hung out with him. But even after we had started hanging out one on one for a year, it was still hard to get him to admit if he liked me. 

Danny and I had a class together last fall and talked maybe two times. Then, we had another class together spring semester and talked a little every class until I gave him my number and we began texting everyday. After that, it only took about a week before we both admitted to liking each other. 

Harry and I met a little over a month ago but he added me on facebook a few days later and we have been talking almost every day since then. I liked him almost immediately and we’ve hung out a couple of times since then but I can’t seem to get him to admit whether or not he has feelings for me. 

The problem is: If Harry does like me, I’m all for him because I like him more than I like Danny. But if he doesn’t have feelings for me, I’ll be fine because I like him as a person and think he would be a really great friend. But school is starting back up and Danny and I have another class together and I would really like to know before then if Harry has any kind of feelings for me because if not, I’m going to go for it with Danny. 


If I could change one thing about myself…

This is a hard question. I love myself. I mean, I hate some things but I realize that without these facts about myself, I wouldn’t be where I am or who I am today. 

I hate my knees, but they have surprisingly helped me meet new people and grow closer to new people. They also forced me to stop running so much which led me to not start having headaches until now (my headaches are primarily brought on by running). 

I really don’t like where I live but I would not know who I know or be who I am if I didn’t grow up here. 

I don’t like my arms but I know that I am strong and without them I wouldn’t be able to use the same weights as the guys I work out with or carry all the grocery bags for my mom. 

But I would change one thing. It might not count because it is an event but my original thought was to change my shoulder. To not have any pain in my shoulder. 

Because of my shoulder I am constantly in pain. Not as much anymore as I used to be, but I am still in pain when I do certain things that I love doing. Driving, bowling, swimming, writing. They all cause immense pain for me. 

But then I realized, all my shoulder problems would be fixed if I just never got into that car accident. 

When I was a freshman in college, I went out with my friend one night to go to dinner. She was driving and we got t-boned. I was in the passenger seat - the side that got hit.

Because of the car accident, I am always afraid when other people drive me at night - even my own family. I also get scared when I am driving at night and I see headlights coming towards me. Even though they are on their side of the road, I think that they are coming right at me and are going to hit me. 

There are a lot more reasons why I would change that and nothing else, but that’s all for now. 

goodnight loves. 

I had a dream last night that I was having like a birthday dinner or something and Ramses came. He came along with another guy that I’m not too fond of. I asked Ramses to leave. Actually, I just told him he couldn’t be there. He understood immediately and left. 

I’m afraid that is what it would be like in real life. I’m afraid he knows just what he did but he is just going on living his life without a care. 

He doesn’t deserve to live like this. He needs to wake up every day remembering what he did until he feels miserable. And then he needs to wake up a few more days after that, remembering every detail. 

I want you to feel something when you hear my name

poisuun (via organicafe)

because I feel nothing but hate every time I hear yours. 

hate for making me love you. 

hate for making me feel special.

hate for making me feel like i was the only one you loved.

hate for telling me you loved me. 

hate for calling me every night because you loved me. 

hate for always being there for me. 

hate for never being too embarrassed of me to talk to me in public like other boys. 

hate for never lying to me. 

hate for doing the exact same things for some other girl right after you did them for me. 

(via vodkacupcakes)